You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
