Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
she peed on how many people?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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