I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
