I am puke
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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