Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
