was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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