I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
