It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
