i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
