He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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