and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
