I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
