Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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