apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
