Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
