I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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