I'm gonna have a badass scar
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
