i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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