my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
