Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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