i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
4 words: hood of his car
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
