How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Ketchup is God's man juice
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
