the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
