I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Randomize
