Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
we should paint friendship bongs
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
