My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
