I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
