I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
