i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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