At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
