She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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