So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
