Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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