The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
