No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
