oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
