Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
