If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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