Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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