my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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