dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
