i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
