I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
