i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
