i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
