you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
