Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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