I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
