yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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