The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
