She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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